Closer to Home

All of this thinking about information, entropy, and what’s fundamental has been happening alongside something much closer to home, and in some ways, more real. So, I thought I’d share…

In the last 3 months, I received the news that my half-sister, Jennifer and half-brother, Jack, both died. They died in their sleep. The cause of death in both cases is still unresolved, due to bureaucracy, but each situation appears to have been due to poor health.

In case you are so inclined, no condolences are necessary, thank you. The fact is that Jennifer and Jack were virtual strangers to me. Still, the news has left me strangely unsettled. I wasn’t sure why exactly, and trying to figure it out managed to stir the ashes of my memory.

For anyone new to my life story and curious, I offer this brief synopsis:

I was taken from my mother, Mary Ellen, at 3 months of age and raised by my maternal grandmother, a wonderful woman I knew as Ina. I didn’t discover my biological father, Rufus Jack Lee, until 2016. Thus, I was raised as an only child. As will become obvious soon, Rufus was not a good husband, nor a good father, nor a good human being, as you shall soon see. Curiously, he seemed to be a bit of a charmer though, because women liked him. I suspect there is some truth to that old adage about women being attracted to bad boys. Rufus certainly fit the bill.

My biological father, Rufus, was married twice. The first time he married a woman by the name of Velma Hall. They had two children, Gary Arlen Lee (b.1928; d.2015) and Sharon Lee (b.1944; d.2008). From what I have heard, Gary and Sharon were both very nice people. Gary never married and died in 2015. Sharon married a man named Lecil. I will not use his last name as his family are still alive and kicking in Alaska. I have been in contact with her son, Todd, who seems like a very nice guy. He’s had two sets of twins, which is interesting, plus two more, so six kids in all. Todd thinks the world of his mom, and I am bummed I never got to meet either Gary or Sharon. Rufus and Velma divorced.

Rufus later married a woman named Marilee Frailey. I am not sure when he and Marilee married, but in the meantime, Rufus couldn’t keep it in his pants and fathered my half-brother, Dennis (b.1945) out of wedlock, similar to me. It’s possible he was still married to Velma when his happened. I met Dennis and his family a few years ago – very nice family. Although we had a pleasant visit, Dennis didn’t want any further relationship with me. His kids also respect their father’s wishes on the matter. And I can appreciate that, so I leave them alone. I’m just happy that I finally got to meet a brother in person.

I suspect that Rufus and Marilee had a toxic relationship. Just a guess based on what I gleaned from my sister Jennifer. It appears that Rufus and Marilee had seven children together, but nine in total, as two (Renee and Elise) were Marilee’s from a previous marriage or relationship: Elise (b.1947; d.2013); Renee (b.1949); Jack (b.1953; d.2026); Michael (b.1954); Cama Ann (b.1958); Jennifer (b.1959; d.2026); Van Thane (b. 1963; d.1963); Unnamed twins (b. 1968; d.1968). And of course, me, born in 1951 while Rufus and Marilee were still married.

I met Jennifer in 2016, along with a number of other members of the Lee family. She and I remained kind of in touch, when I texted her or called her a few times. Sadly, her life was full of the kind of drama I wanted no part of, so I did not want her entering my life more than she did, so I kept my distance. That said, I do keep in touch with her daughter, Jamie, who is really nice. I like her a lot.

Jack was someone I tried unsuccessfully to contact for several years. He never responded to my phone calls, until he did. So I finally got to speak to him twice before he died. From what Jennifer told me, Rufus used to beat the boys pretty bad. He was especially hard on Jack, whom he did not believe was his child (Marilee apparently was a butterfly as well), so he beat him and told him, as a young child, that he didn’t belong to him. Like I said, Rufus was not father of the year material. As soon as Jack reached legal age, 16, he left home and had nothing further to do with the Lee family. Jennifer and Mike apparently stayed in touch with him, but that’s it. I have so many questions for Jack, and now he’s gone. Damn.

Renee and Elise both ended up being adopted by a loving family. Dennis, who was fathered out of wedlock also was adopted by a loving family and had a wonderful home life. And me, I was raised by my grandmother and uncle and also had a very loving home life. Those of us who left the sphere of influence of Rufus all dodged a bullet as far as I am concerned. We truly are fortunate! Renee and I found each other, she lives in Seattle, and we remain in touch.

My half-brother Mike lives in Tennessee. Mike apparently stayed with Rufus and Marilee until he was grown up. Jennifer said Rufus didn’t treat him well at all. This might be due to the fact that Mike is a bit mentally challenged, something I think is attributable to fetal alcohol syndrome. Renee said that Elise also had that problem and suspects the same thing. Marilee was a drunk. I intend to keep in touch with Mike. I think losing his sister and brother so close together like that thew him a bit. I called him to give him my condolences and let him know he could talk to me anytime. He seemed to really appreciate that.

Among the ashes that the news of my sibling’s deaths have stirred are certain thoughts that almost feel like clues about my own history, a history that will forever be out of reach, which is probably why I keep grasping for straws. Consider the following. You can judge whether I am just imaging it all.

My mother didn’t put Rufus Jack Lee’s name on my birth certificate, she put another man’s name, Henry Gaier, a man she was in a periodic relationship with as I understand it. Later DNA testing would prove he was no relation to me.

The last time I met my mother, I pressed her on the subject and she told me she didn’t know exactly who the father was. I was not surprised by this, as she was living on the street at the time and according to Henry Gaaier, found temporary lodging with men at the nearest bar. Shit happens. I get it. Still, for some reason I remember the look on her face when I asked her about this. It was not the look of embarrassment of having to admit she didn’t know ho my father was, it was something else, something guarded, like she knew, but didn’t want to tell me. I know, it’s weird. An embarrassed look I would understand, even expect, but this was something else, it’s why I keep remembering it.

I saw this look again on her face when I asked her how I happened to end up with the middle name of “Lynn”. This time the memory is even clearer. She did not want to tell me and made up this lame story about how she named me for a good friend she had in Japan when she was a US Army Court Reporter for the Japanese war crime trials. I didn’t buy that story then and I don’t buy it now. Lynn, just curiously, happens to be a popular Lee family name. Lots of Lynns in the Lee tree. My sister, was Jennifer Lynn Lee. I have another Lee kin named Jeffery Lynn Lee, and others. A coincidence that strikes me as odd.

Another strange thing is that after showing Jennifer some photos of my mother, she told me she’s seen my mother before, in photos that Rufus used to keep in his sock drawer, where he kept all the photos of his girlfriends. Marilee apparently knew about this stash, as did Jennifer, who used to go through them from time to time. He apparently reveled in being an asshole. I blew this off at the time, because what are the odds that Jennifer would remember that? And I still don’t believe it, but it makes me wonder whether my mother, who was a survivor, didn’t intentionally distance herself from Rufus, especially after becoming pregnant. The truth is I will never know.

Well, I’ve plumbed the depths of this genealogical thread as far as I care to at this point. Thanks for coming along.